


you still pull me home

by qiaolianmay



Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Baby Fic, F/M, Melancholy, Sort Of, Unrequited Love... kind of, moving forward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 04:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20847710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qiaolianmay/pseuds/qiaolianmay
Summary: It had been at least nine weeks since she packed her bags and left for conferences that lasted for two weeks and now she’s coop up in a cabin in Hampshire.alt: Dr. Helen Sharpe missing scenes after the accident





	you still pull me home

**Author's Note:**

> The title came from alison sudol (a fine frenzy)'s think of you. it's a really great song!
> 
> This is a little exploration and speculation on what if Helen decided to have a baby before the accident and how Muhammad fit into it somehow.
> 
> Have a great read! New Amsterdam is not mine. :)

_ And I think of you whenever life gets me down _

_ I think of you whenever you're not around _

_ And you rest your bones _

_ Somewhere far from my own _

_ Yeah, but you still pull me home_

* * *

It had been at least nine weeks since she packed her bags and left for conferences that lasted for two weeks and now she’s coop up in a cabin in Hampshire. A place held so many memories. Beautiful and not so mementos that she’s been carrying for the last couple of years. New Amsterdam was an escape from those years ago and now it’s the same place she’s trying so hard to stay clear of. So, she ran. She ran away from what had been her solace after Muhammad. She used New Amsterdam as a distraction and now that same distraction was distracting her. She needed to find peace.

It had been forty-nine days since she arrived and found herself walking through the same path she left years ago. It rained the moment she stepped out of the cab she hired towards her destination, it was as if the universe decided that it would be the one to cry for her when she’s trying her best not to. And with a little apprehensive smile and a heavy heart, Helen slowly walked towards the house that she’d call home for the next couple of weeks. 

Helen opened the door to the cabin and nostalgia hit her with full force. It was surreal. It had been years since the last time she stepped in the place she once considered a sanctuary and in all honesty, it still is. It’s a home a little far away from the home she settled in when she decided to move to America. The cabin felt like her grandma’s cooking that engulfed her with warmth and peace when she visits.

She sighed, relief flooded her as she take-in the serene presence of the cabin. 

It still has the same off-white walls that she and Muhammad had planned on painting, at least, hire someone to paint it. They thought a couple of birch trees on the wall would make the walls less plain but they never did. Work had been consuming and the next thing they knew, it’d be years for them to go back. Helen looked around for a bit if anything had changed but she didn't see any. Muhammad hired someone to monitor and maintain the place, fix what's necessary but even so, the small dent on the wall that she and him had made when they were moving furniture was still there. She has an inkling feeling that they were under a special instruction not to alter it.

The place was still the same as before. It was as if time remained steady and encapsulated the place to stay the same even as time goes by. Nothing changed, except maybe for one.

Helen put her suitcase in their room. She smiled sadly, thinking about how she only went back to this place when things were moot. She had visited Hampshire so many times and yet she never visited this place. The last time was before Muhammad’s death and since then, she thought, visiting it won’t do her any good, so she stayed away from it, packed her bags and transferred to a place far far away. Except, moving there, she didn't realize that when she filled her bags with clothes, she was also bundling up emotions that she'd locked in some metaphorical box that she wouldn’t unlock until later. 

She visited her family months back when she had leeway from the hospital and paid _him _a visit. She apologized for not visiting so soon and that she was kept occupied by work but everything’s alright. At least she thought everything was alright. Until she was found by her mother crying endlessly right in front of him.

_ She brought with her a bouquet of tulips and a sad smile. She took her time walking towards his grave, it had been a year since she visited, for someone who traveled a lot in her line of work, she couldn’t visit as much as she wanted to. Worked had been consuming her more and more. It had become demanding and there are decisions that had to be made. _

_ “I’m sorry it took me so long. I know that you’re going to tell me that it’s okay but it isn’t. I made a promise years ago that it won’t take me ages to come back and talk to you. I miss you more than anything in this world,” she started. She sat in front of the tomb and rest the flowers between them. _

_ “There’s a reason why I’m here. Aside from missing you so much, I’ve wanted to seek your guidance. I want to have a baby. I know we talked about it before but why do I feel like I’m betraying your memories if I do so? I know that you’ll say I’m being irrational and that I should go for it. You’ll say yes regardless because you’re you and that you want me to be happy. I’ve wanted this for so long, hon.” she uttered softly as she stroked his name. _

_ “There’s this doctor in the Dam. He’s new and he reminds me so much of you. You know?” Helen paused. “He told me that it’s worth it if I bring a child in this world. A part of me feels like I’m selfish if I’m gonna push through it, I mean, having a baby would seem like I just wanted someone to fill a large space in my heart that had been empty for so long, but even I don’t think that’s the reason. Maybe, a part of me but I know… I know that it isn’t the case. I just really wish you’d be here right now. To tell me it’s worth it. To tell me that everything will be okay. I miss you so so much,” she whispered as the tears that she was keeping at bay, fell slowly. _

_ She stayed there for a bit with tears continuously falling from her eyes and closed them tightly as a warm wind blew on her face and engulfed her. She had to hold onto Muhammad’s tomb for balance. “If this is you telling me that I’ll be alright and that it’s worth it, then thank you.” She smiled affectionately. “Look at you, even now I still hold onto you like before. You’ve always been stronger than I am and I am so grateful for your strength. I promise it won’t take ages for me to come back here. I love you.” _

Her mother pulled her for a hug and asked if she wanted to stay in the cabin, which she answered, no. She wasn't ready. She really has no idea if she'd ever be, until now. 

She planned on visiting him again and talk to him about the things that had happened for the months that she was away. For now, she has to recuperate as per doctor’s order for she nearly collapsed after a conference that was held in London. She was in the middle of presenting when she felt lightheaded and so had asked if she’d be excused. One of the doctors, who coincidentally an obstetrician-gynecologist helped her settle, what was supposed to be a long five-day conference and another one the week after, she was advised to rest and take it easy. And so, she found herself in a huge bed that she used to share with Muhammad reflecting her life choices.

She touched her growing belly with a soft smile on her face. She had so many doubts before diving in and do it. After her visit to his grave, she asked her mother if she could possibly take her to Muhammad’s mother. She was greeted with a warm hug that reminded her so much of him. They talked and she told her about her plans, told her about her doubts in bringing a child in this world. She explained that it was something that she always desired and her apprehensions because a part of her feels like he’s disrespecting her son’s memories.

_ “He will never stop you from bringing a child in this world. You should know that by now, Helen. I remembered him talking to me and his father about his plans on marrying you. I remembered you and him talking about having children together. You will never betray his memories. It’ll honor him instead. You deserved to raise a baby of your own, dear. You’ll be a great one and he knew that.” _ She thanked her and they sat there for a moment, the silence was peaceful and every second, the desire grew and grew and that she went back to New York, her decision was final.

“Thank you for being strong for mommy, little one.” She whispered softly.

The baby was remarkably resilient and it somehow eased the fear that ebbed inside her. When the accident happened almost eleven weeks ago, she immediately thought she’d lost the life that was growing inside of her, the life that she asked and prayed for. It had only been a month then and her doctor advised her that it’s one of the most critical parts of pregnancy and that she had to slow down especially with her condition. However, she hasn’t been rational. She jumped into the ambulance as fast as she could despite the warnings and Dora’s pleas for her not to go. She still did.

She was needed. _ Max needed her. _

And that’s what lead her here, she was supposed to come back after four weeks but instead she was needed somewhere else and everyone was eager to know everything about his progress and that she agreed for a couple more weeks with the delegation but when in reality, she’s in a place far away from everyone as much as possible.

_ Her piercing screams were deafening and it wasn't just because of the dislocated arm but she was screaming out of worry. Worry about the status of the baby. She snapped at Vijay just so he can finally fix what's broken. She immediately called for Dora and asked her to page Dr. Izuka. Dora didn’t have the time to question the urgency of her request and do what she said. _

_ Dr. Izuka knew the situation and immediately requested a transfer from the emergency room to her ward for proper checking. _

_ “Is the baby alright?” Helen asked quietly listening to the steady thump of her baby’s heart. _

_ “Helen, I won’t lie to you. It was a close call but she’s strong but you shouldn’t overdo yourself, you can’t just do anything reckless that would endanger the both of you.” she chastised as she continued to monitor the baby. _

_ After the consultation, she took her old jacket in her office to hide what was barely seeing. It’s like a second or third layer of armor protecting the life inside her. Dr. Izuka was right, she was reckless. Her judgment continuously clouded by his situation. She forgot that she’s no longer caring for one life in her body but there’s two of them now. _

_ She knew she had to do something. _

_ Then, her pager blared. Georgia flatlined and there was nothing she or any of them could do. _

_ She stayed for at least two weeks in the Dam. Helped Max and Luna settle in their home with the help of the rest of the Dam. They’ve given Georgia a quiet ceremony and after that, most of the lives in the hospital had moved on except for a few that were greatly affected by the incident like Lauren who was recovering away from the hospital and making progress. Their friendship is far from fixed but they’re on the right road to recovery. _

_ It’ll take a while for her to tell Lauren about the news but it can wait. _

_ Three days after the incident, she heard from Dr. Castro. She was willing to take in Max as his patient and immediately, Helen arranged a meeting between the three of them. She let Max take the lead on how to move forward. Dr. Castro was capable, she read about her research and she believes that she’d be leaving him in good hands considering she’s been planning on leaving again and talk for conferences and interviews again. _

_ A decision she hasn’t told Max. She felt a little selfish from it but she knew the distance will do her good. It was needed. It had been needed for a while now. _

_ The argument that she was expecting didn’t happen and she thought that it was good, because that way, she’d have the chance to do again what she considered her life before the medical director. However, despite the non-argument from both parties, she could feel that something had changed. It wasn’t visible at first, maybe it had been going on for a while now after the incident but she was solely focused on other things to see it. _

_ There was a significant distance between the two of them and it seemed to be growing cold each day. She wanted to reach out but for someone who knew what it was like, she knew she had to give him space. And if it’s the weeks that she’d be gone, then so be it. _

She stayed for another week before scheduling her flight back to New York. The rest was good for her and the doctor that her OB-GYN suggested in Hampshire informed her that the baby was healthy and that she should continue to try not to stress herself out once she's back in the US. And after the check-up, she found herself walking towards the same path with tulips on her hands again.

“Hey, you.” She whispered, a small smile adorning her face. 

It was different from the last time’s melancholy.

“Told you it won’t take me long to visit you again. I’m expecting,” she said with a happily. “I thought it’ll be difficult, more than difficult than morning sickness and nausea that we usually talked about before. She’s not giving me a hard time that much except for when she thinks I’m straining myself too much and yes, I think she’s a little girl too.” she giggled.

Helen sat in front of the tomb—just like the previous times she visited—and using the stone for support.

“I’ve been staying in the cabin. It’s been at least eight weeks now and everything’s still the same as before. I’m sorry if for those eight weeks I haven’t visited you. I was trying to collect my thoughts, you know? I don’t know how to tell you everything which is stupid because I always tell you everything,” she paused. “I’m coming back to the Dam soon and I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t even know why I ran away. Well, in theory, I have something in mind. I am running away from feelings that had been conflicting me for a while. But, maybe it's not entirely the reason. Anyway, remember when I told you about the new guy? There was this _ vibe _ between us that I didn’t see or maybe I was forcing myself not to see because I feel like from day one, what we have is normal. We've grown closer each day. I see myself confiding to him, seeking his guidance and he did the same with me too. I talked to him about you, something I didn't do with Akash—he's a story for another day. He opened up to me a lot as well. He always talked to me about his fears and plans, I can read him perfectly. At least I think I do." She closed her eyes and cleared her throat.

"He has cancer and it’s crazy how I’d do anything for him in a heartbeat. I don’t know when it started but it just did and it is so wrong because he was married and I will never for the life of me act on it. It’s just that huge part of me doesn’t want to lose him, you know? Not when I still can do something. Especially when I can still do something. Maybe it’s also guilt because I couldn’t save you so I’m trying my best to save that one person that came close to how I feel about you. I don't really know. I haven't been this unsure for so long, hon.” Helen shook her head and smiled.

“I’ll come back there soon and I have no idea how to face him. I heard from Dr. Castro that his treatment is doing great and his healing is steady and I am glad, I just don’t know how I’d talk to him. I know he’ll push me away. I did it before to the people that only wanted me to heal. Maybe that’s why I haven’t fully healed yet because I pushed people away and I won’t let him do that. _ I won’t _.” she uttered the last words quietly 

She planned on talking to Muhammad about the baby and it seemed as if the plan just flew away along with the wind that blew past her. She had been thinking about the conflicting feelings she has for the medical director and she has to admit that Max had been in her head more lately, maybe because she knew that in order for her to focus on the little child inside her, she has to deal with her deep seethed issue with her feelings for the man. She didn’t just run away from New Amsterdam to heal her body after all. It was more than that.

She stood up and brushed the non-existent dirt on his skirt, bid her goodbyes and see you soons to Muhammad. She still felt conflicted but telling him his concerns sort of appeased the nerves. She started walking back towards the direction of her mother’s car. She’d be staying in the cabin again tonight and would spend the remaining days out of her seclusion with her family. She asked her mother to drop her off near the cabin bid her mom a safe trip back and told her not to pick her up, and then started her journey towards it. The place had been a beautiful sanctuary for her for the past few weeks. The place is filled with memories that though may fade, she knew that it will always be familiar.

It was _home. _

* * *

She breathes deeply. Her flight was scheduled five hours from now. She counted the seconds before she leaves the solace of the cabin. Once she comes back, she’d be Max’s deputy and friend because more than anything else, a friend is what he needed. She knew what it’s like to mourn for someone she loved deeply with all of her heart and she wouldn’t let Max run or face it alone the way she did. 

And for her part, she’d be thoroughly take good care of herself not just for her but also for the life that is growing inside her. 

_“The only way to beat death is life.” _

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
